Probably sixty percent of the emails I receive are from wives facing the reality of a divorce. Almost everyone wants to save their marriages and are not yet ready to throw in the towel. They want to know: if their husbands can change their minds and reconsider the divorce; how can they make this happen; and when this change could occur. I will answer these questions in the next article.
You cannot force him or force him to stop the divorce, but you can help him to want to: Many wives approach this as a battle. The emails I receive ask for advice on “doing it” or “getting him to” change his mind. This wording alone implies that you are trying to force or trick this man into doing something he just doesn’t want to do, almost as if he is kicking and screaming all the way back, but he will reluctantly return just the same. Is this really what you want?
Of course not. You will have a much greater degree of success and satisfaction if you are able to get to a place where you are equally committed and willing to save the marriage. You want him to want to be there as much as you want him there. And you are not likely to succeed if you face him as an adversary or adopt a combative stance.
In fact, you almost want to do the opposite. You want him to think that you are committed to his happiness and to helping him get what he wants (although we both know this will lead to YOU getting what you want).
Ignore the divorce for now and focus on the day-to-day: The truth is that many women act badly and desperately with the threat of divorce on the horizon. This little word provokes panic, fear, and despair, all very negative emotions that can cause you to do or say things that you are very likely to regret later. We started bombarding him with questions and accusations. We try to make you feel guilty. Or we’re just so nasty because we want to lash out at him so he’s just as hurt as we are. But, all of these things just dig a hole deeper and take you further away from your true goal.
So even though it may be difficult at first, I want you to stop thinking about the divorce. It will work a lot better and be a lot more compelling when you don’t have this threat breathing down your neck. Promise, at least for the next few months, to take things day by day. Divorces take time to become final. You probably have more time than you think, and counting the days will only cause you to react negatively. Right now, we’re going to take things day by day, conduct ourselves with dignity and grace, and focus only on ending our time with husband on a positive note. Yes, these are small victories. But, the small victories eventually pile up until you create a new reality.
Know that your husband will change his mind about the divorce when he shows you that things can really change in your marriage: Well, here is the short answer. I have a little knowledge about men who have filed for divorce. Many of them write to me and tell me what they feel. Almost everyone tells me that divorce is a reality because they simply feel that things cannot and will not change. They share that they feel more like a brother or roommate to their wives. They feel that his wife no longer has time for them, that he cares more about the children, his career, his parents and his family. They tell me that there is no longer laughter, intimacy or feeling of connection. And they tell me this has been going on for a long time and they have tried repeatedly to fix it, and now they are pretty sure it won’t change and there is no way to rescue it.
At the end of the day, the core of a divorce is often a lack of connection and intimacy. Because when two people feel this, they can usually weather any marital storm. So if you want to change your man’s opinion on divorce, then you need to focus on restoring these things and showing your husband by your actions, not your words, that you can succeed with this.
This probably seems like a difficult task when you don’t live together or at least don’t have access to it. This is where you come to him from a place of association. It is important to communicate that you agree that the marriage is broken and that you both deserve better. Explain that he is too important to you to let things deteriorate like this. So, you’ll focus on what you can – getting out of this in a way that you can be proud of. He may be hesitant at first, but as you behave this way, he will eventually perk up a bit.
When you do, it is very important that you do your best. Listen carefully. Bend over when he speaks. Emphasize that you are on his side and that you support him. Because truly, you are already the person who can look back at your husband and possess his heart. You already did it once. But somehow the stress of everyday life took a bit of the shine off this woman. Now, it’s time to get it back and claim it. Because she is who your husband really loves. And once she comes back, and you approach him from a couple spot (and move slowly), everything else should fall into place.