At this point, one might be in a position where they believe their parents are to blame for what is happening. This could show that their life is a mess and that they may have mental and emotional problems.

Maybe they’ve only had this perspective for a short time, or maybe it’s been with them for several years. Either way, they may experience a lot of anger, rage, and hatred toward them and have times when they think about getting revenge for what they went through.

a different point of view

If there are people in your life, most, if not all, might tell you that they need to ‘let go’ and ‘forgive’ their parents. So blaming your parents will be seen as a complete waste of time.

As far as these people are concerned, what happened will be in the past and that will be all there is. Also, they could be told that their point of power is in the now and that they have no control over what happened.

Is no different

If one were to seek outside support, be it a therapist or a coach, for example, they might have a very similar experience. Here, one could essentially be told that he needs to move on with his life and put the past behind him.

They may even be told that they need to ‘stop being a victim’, which is unlikely to be very pleasant to hear. Ergo, what happened will be seen as totally irrelevant and as something that can be put aside.

two ends

So regardless of whether you relate to the people in your life or the person who is there to help them, it will be as if there are only two options available. Either one blames their parents and gets stuck in the past, so they forgive them and move on.

Based on this black and white view, it will be perfectly clear that the second option is the best. What could also be added is that ‘his parents did the best they could’.

Two points

Firstly, the above shows that it is as if there were only two options and, secondly, that the past is in the past. Also, parents are always supposed to deserve to be respected, even idolized, and there are no such thing as ‘bad’ parents.

What if there are more than two options available and their past isn’t really in the past and it’s not enough for them to simply forgive? Ultimately, there is more to this than is often mentioned, and that is why it is so important to look deeper.

First

Surely if it were a question of blaming the parents and getting stuck or forgiving and moving on, the logical thing would be to do the latter. The truth is that one is not going to live forever, so there is no point in wasting his valuable time and energy.

What this view fails to take into account, however, is that if you’re really messed up and haven’t developed much of an adult self, you’re not going to be able to simply forgive your parents. In order for you to truly do this, you will need to overcome the pain you are in and forgive yourself.

The second

The reason for this is that what happened will be over, but they will continue to carry the emotional pain and trauma they experienced all those years ago. If you don’t acknowledge how you feel and get over it, with outside support if you need it, this baggage won’t go away.

Now, forcing themselves to forgive their parents and no longer blame them might allow them to look good and even keep them from feeling guilty, but they will simply live in denial. You will still carry all of your inner wounds and these inner wounds will continue to impact your reality and your physical health.

just one stage

If you could take a step back from your experience, you could see that you have merged with what could be classified as your child self; the part of them that is deeply hurt. Having merged with this part of them, it will not cross their minds to move on or if what they are doing is serving them.

This wounded part of them will need their adult self to acknowledge what is going on and hold the space for this part to express what it was unable to express so many years ago. Until this adult self is in place, a therapist or healer will be needed to hold the space.

no resistance

With this in mind, if you can’t let go of the past or ‘forgive’ your parents, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to move on; it means that at least part of them is not on the right path and is calling to be seen and heard. If one were just one person and not made up of many different parts, this would not be the case.

If willpower is used to move forward, these parts will be overridden and ignored, this being an experience one is very familiar with. Perhaps the main reason they are at bay now is that they did not receive the loving presence they needed when they were growing up, and that is why it is so important that one receives it now, from oneself or from another if they currently do not. they can provide it.

Awareness

What this illustrates is that it’s not about you forgiving your parents or not forgiving them, it’s about them acknowledging their own pain and moving on from it. If they try to do the former before the latter, they are likely to end up overlooking their own pain.

By working through your own inner wounds and forgiving yourself, you will naturally become more compassionate towards those who wronged you. Forgiving them will then be a by-product of the work they have done and are doing on themselves, not something they do to look good, please others, or to avoid feeling guilty and fearful.
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Lastly, what this also illustrates is that one cannot think or force one’s emotional pain; this, of course, would not be so if your thoughts always created your feelings. The emotional body is very different from the mental body, so a very different approach is needed when it comes to dealing with a part of the self.