I sometimes hear from people who want to save their marriage after cheating, but are very concerned that their spouse isn’t “over” the other person yet, even when their spouse insists there is nothing left for the cheating relationship.

Many men like to claim that the affair meant little or nothing to them, but women have a hard time believing it. A wife might say, “My husband had an affair with a woman he went to high school with. He saw her at her class reunion which I missed due to other obligations. They weren’t old flames or anything. Apparently alcohol was involved and then after sex they continued an online and text affair. They were only together that one time. My husband tells me he didn’t really care much for this woman. But reading some of her messages made me I question this. My husband says he can end the relationship right away. He acts like he doesn’t care enough about her to think about it. I question him. I’m not saying he’s lying to me, exactly. But I “don’t know how a relationship can be important enough to cheat on your wife but not important enough to discuss when you break up. I have never had an affair. But I admit that my first love started texting me a couple of years ago. And only that communication became very deep and meaningful. Ningful When I told him that we couldn’t talk anymore because it wasn’t appropriate, it frankly broke my heart. It took me months to get over it. But I knew that my marriage was more important to me. My mother told me that men get over affairs more easily than women because for men it’s more about sex and for women it’s more about emotions. Is this true?”

Well, I will admit that most people believe this to be true. I think it’s probably a mistake to assume that men don’t cheat for emotional reasons or that they can’t emotionally invest in the other person. They do and they can. I hear of men who are emotionally attached in an affair.

My unscientific perceptions: However, if I’m being honest, I have to say that it’s much more common to hear of a woman who is emotionally invested in an affair and having a hard time letting go than a man. That’s not exactly scientific information, I know. It is quite possible that women feel more comfortable communicating, since I am also a woman. But I hear from many more women who know they need to save their families but who feel strongly that they are in love with the other man and that he understands them more than anyone. That’s not to say that men don’t feel that way. But I find that for women it is very important that they feel heard, understood and appreciated. They don’t mention sex as much when talking about the other person. They mention feelings. They mention emotions. They mention not wanting to let go.

Men may mention feelings, but they may also mention physical connection, or sex. They often mention feeling alive, which is sometimes a kind of doublespeak from the buzz they get from the novelty of sex with someone new. I don’t want to imply that it’s about sex for men or even that it’s about a relationship with no expectations. Because I don’t believe any of these things are true. But I hear a lot of men say that the other woman didn’t make demands on him, while women rarely say this.

And I think that might be part of why we have a perception that men can walk away from an affair more easily. There were no expectations, so what’s the harm in just walking away? Men are perceived to be less likely to see it long term. Many men who have affairs do not intend to leave their wives. They do not intend for her to find out about her. So yeah, when they tell you they can go, a lot of them mean it.

I’m not telling you that a man can’t fall in love with the other woman and then miss her horribly and cry when he lets her go. That happens. But I see that it happens less with men than with women. And that may sound stereotypical and it may be because I listen to more women than men.

But it seems to me that many men can move on quite quickly. Once their wives find out and decide to save their marriages, many are not qualified to end the matter immediately and completely. And in this case, when the husband was with the woman only once, it makes sense to believe that perhaps it was not a meaningful and deep relationship.

If you think about it, you said that you ended the correspondence with your first love because your priority was your husband. In essence, it may well be doing the same thing. I know you want to know if he still thinks about her. But in the end, if he chooses to make your marriage a priority and you do too, then this is the best place to direct your attention.