In a perfect world, your spouse would be your biggest cheerleader. He is the one who should lift you up and defend you against everyone else. When you feel bad about yourself or have doubts, he is the one to tell you that you are more than okay just the way you are, or at least offer you positive support. So when it’s your own spouse who offers you criticism or tells you the many ways you fall short or need to change, it’s extremely painful. And he can make you question his love for you and your marriage.

A wife might describe an upsetting situation like this: “When I met my husband, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. No one had ever seen me the way he did and maybe that’s why I was absolutely addicted to being around him. He gave me more confidence and I loved it. But now, it’s like he’s determined to rip that trust away from me. Because he knows me better than anyone, he’s able to point out all the things that are wrong with me. I admit I don’t see myself exactly like our wedding day, but who does? I try really hard, but there’s an aging process that can’t always be stopped in its tracks.. Apparently I’m not blonde enough or skinny enough. Apparently, I don’t earn enough money and I’m not as interesting as the women my husband works with. Every weekend, we used to spend all our time together, just the two of us. Now, my husband always invites friends and family over, as if that’s not enough be alone with me This is hurting me a lot. He makes me think that he doesn’t love me anymore. And it makes me think that, in the end, my marriage is not going to last.”

I understand your concern and I sympathize with you. I mean saving marriages, but I think you may have an additional challenge unless you can get your husband to communicate with you in a more positive way, which I definitely think is possible. You may not even realize it sounds so judgmental. And frankly, sometimes when a person isolates all of their frustrations onto a person who is so close to them, I wonder if they are just using that person as a scapegoat and projecting their own frustrations onto them. What I mean by this is that sometimes when people have something problematic in their lives or something they don’t like about themselves, they project it onto the people closest to them. So when her husband tells him that he doesn’t make enough money, he might actually be disappointed in his own earning power. When he says you’re not skinny, he may be noticing that he’s put on a few pounds himself. But instead of handling that objectively, he sounds critical of you.

I do not intend to defend it. That’s not my intention. I’m only telling you this because I want you to know that their criticisms may have nothing to do with you and do not reflect your value. And I don’t want you to take them personally or have them as encouragement to make you feel bad about yourself.

I think that before you can resolve anything, I suggest that you try to get him to communicate with you in a less hurtful way. It’s hard to figure things out when you feel personally attacked and therefore defensive.

So the next time he starts saying things that sound personal and unfair, you can try something like, “I need to interrupt for a minute because I don’t want us to continue like this. When you say things like that to me, it hurts. It makes me feel unloved.” I don’t think you intend for that to happen and I have my doubts that you are aware of what you are doing. But when you say things like that, it makes me feel attacked. It makes me feel that you don’t think I’m good enough and that you’re sorry you’re married to me. It makes me feel criticized. I don’t think you mean to do this on purpose, but that’s how I feel. So it’s hard for me to listen to what you’re saying objectively because all I can focus on is in the pain of criticism. So I’m going to ask you to talk about specific things that can be changed instead of general things that are only meant to hurt my work. Instead of telling me I’m not pretty enough, I would like to hear details about what the real problem is. Do you understand the difference? Because right now, this isn’t getting either of us any closer to what we want. It just makes me feel hurt and probably makes you feel frustrated. So let’s get to the real issue here. What bothers you the most? How can we help each other?”

I am hopeful that this conversation can start to change things. If not, I highly suggest you see someone objective who can help you communicate more effectively and figure out what’s really at stake. Because the type of communication you’re describing rarely brings resolution. It only causes hurt and hurt feelings.