Relationships don’t always look like investments, but in many ways that’s exactly what they are. This is especially the case with a woman who is dating a man who is somewhat resistant to the idea of ​​marriage. If you are that woman, you know that you have invested a great deal of time and emotional energy in connecting. It is understandable that you want and expect a diamond ring and a romantic wedding at some point, but what do you do if that end goal is not in sight? If your boyfriend has made it clear to you that he is not interested in the marriage, you are stunned. Before you throw in the towel and walk away from everything they’ve built, you need some answers. Understanding why you are not attracted to marriage can help you overcome the problem and move things in a more positive relationship direction.

Think about your reasons for not wanting to get married

Obviously at this point you and your boyfriend have discussed the topic of marriage and how you feel about it. It is very likely that you have pressured your boyfriend to tell you where his reservations come from. Each man is unique, which means that his reasoning for not wanting to take the plunge will be specific to him. In general, there are several common threads that seem to run through relationships in which the man is in no rush to get married.

One of the most common reasons that men refuse to make such a strong commitment is that they feel like they will lose their own identity when they become “husbands.” Instead of being a single, self-reliant man, they suddenly become half of a couple that is together forever. For most women this sounds like a dream come true, but for a man who is not feeling emotionally mature this can be a very scary proposition. Not only does he see himself shed his own identity, but he feels that his role, from the wedding day onward, is simply to please his wife.

Other men will not kneel to make such an important proposal because the financial aspect of it weighs heavily on their mind. Men want to be seen as providers, and if your man doesn’t have the means to support himself, let alone you and potential future children, he won’t want to take any steps toward commitment. You probably won’t reveal your true motivations for not committing either. He doesn’t want you to think badly of him. For a man, the most important thing is that the woman he loves sees him as a hero in every way.

Put your energy into helping him overcome his resistance

There is something to be said for not pressuring a man to commit, but there are obvious exceptions that every woman should know about. If you think your boyfriend would love to get married, but he has some lingering reservations that you have been able to identify, you can start working to help him overcome them.

It is not recommended that you sit down with a man who you think is struggling with finances so that the two of you can have an honest conversation about how he cannot afford a wedding, let alone an engagement ring. It helps if you tell how you view marriage as an equal society and how important it is to you to contribute equally, always. If your boyfriend feels like you’ve taken some of the financial burden off his shoulders, in a very subtle way, that can bring him closer to a proposal.

You can also persuade your man to see the benefits he will make by being married to you, as opposed to the losses he may believe he will suffer. If your guy is surrounded by single male friends, this can be a bit more challenging, but never see it as impossible.

Just start mentioning how important you think it is that couples always have their own interests. You might even mention the example of a married friend of yours. Talk about how wonderful it is that she and her husband still have independent friends of their own and that they each spend time apart from each other to visit those friends.

If your boyfriend feels that your attitude after you get married will be that of a woman who does not want her husband to spend all his time with her, he will be more inclined to view marriage in a much more positive light.

Be realistic about the future of your relationship

Even if you have determined why you think your boyfriend is hesitant to commit and have been working to get him to overcome his reservations, there is still the possibility that he will refuse to marry you.

If this is the case, it is important that you look within yourself to decide whether endless waiting is the right thing to do for you. Some people just don’t see marriage as something they want in their lives. If this depth of connection is important to you and your boyfriend has continued to hold out, even after you’ve helped him understand the benefits of it, it may be time to rethink your future.

You, and only you, can decide whether marriage is a deciding factor in your relationship. If it is vitally important to you that they get married, share that with him and leave the ball in his court. If you continue to ignore your needs, you really need to consider whether such a partner is really the best option after all.