You hear it on almost every sitcom on TV. Funny insults are just part of the comedy. But it doesn’t work so well in real life.

People throw insults back and forth by being smart and joking. Nobody takes it seriously… right?

Teasing can be damaging to relationships when words said in a funny way would be insults and put-downs if meant. However, teasing is quite common in our culture. Parents make fun of their children, children make fun of each other, men joke with each other at work.

Teasing: we all do it from time to time; We are all victims from time to time. Sometimes it doesn’t seem to bother us one bit. It can be fun, break the ice, and lift an overly serious mood. Sometimes it hurts a lot, and we remember the bite for a long time.

I used a new recipe and it came out weird. Dinner was full of laughter but I never made that dish again and I’m hesitant to try new things.

Teasing seems to snowball. It starts off slowly and each person wants to top the other’s comment. The clever aftershock gains momentum and becomes an avalanche. I heard two guys talking. First there was a little digging, “Is that your face, I thought that was a Halloween mask?” Then came the biggest and best prank in retaliation. “Where were you when the brains fell out, turkey, under the rug?” Two laughs later the banging started and one complained, “I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke?”

The way the routine goes, if you object. then the other person puts you down for being a bad sport. It seems to make anything acceptable if we say, “I was just kidding.” It’s like a license to kill. I have an image of someone sticking a knife in and saying, “Don’t bleed! I was just kidding.”

I asked the great psychologist Carl Rogers about the effects of teasing. He talked at length about it. “Teasing was one of the main modes of communication in my family growing up. You just had to develop a tough skin and return what was sent to you. It wasn’t until I got married and found out how hurt my wife was when I would just do a sarcastic mocking comment, which made me realize the armor we had to develop to live in that kind of atmosphere. I pretty much agree that most taunts have the underlying goal of hurting.”

“I like humor,” Rogers continued, “but that’s very different from jokes.” The motivation for most drastic teasing is to hurt, and that hurts relationships. It would be much better to bring it out into the open. If I don’t like what you’ve done, it would be better to say it in so many words than to make fun of you or insult you in some subtle way. The teasing can have different motives and usually they are unconscious motives and that is the bad thing. If you’re fully aware that you want to keep a person at arm’s length, that’s fine, but if you’re joking to do it and don’t know it, it’s unfortunate.”

The effect of teasing is worse when a person’s self-esteem is low and it is very difficult to judge someone’s level of self-esteem. We all have hidden hot spots, the sensitive places, that we don’t advertise and may not be aware of. I once joked with a co-worker about something stupid he did and he was very quiet. I questioned him and found that my comment had upset him. I thought he was smart and he knew it, but he didn’t think he was that smart.

Unless we realize the consequences, we may continue to think that teasing is harmless. See what happens after you’ve been teased. Monitor your feelings a while later. Sometimes it takes time for bad feelings to surface. I can react well the moment I’m being teased, but then I find myself remembering the teasing and wondering about the intent; Or I turn blue and I don’t know why.

I grew up in an environment of ridicule. My friends told me that I must learn to take a joke, relax, be able to laugh at myself. I tried. I decided it must be a lack of character, not being able to stand being teased, but I couldn’t get over it. I asked my husband if he would please stop bothering me because he never knew if he could take it or if he would care about what he said. He agreed to stop bothering me and I was surprised that he was less stressful and our whole relationship improved.

When I asked not to be teased, I thought I was the only weak and fragile person who couldn’t take it, but I found more and more people who didn’t like being teased either. I decided to stop bothering others. I was worried that life would become boring and the conversations monotonous, but there are many fun moments in life. We can laugh a lot without running the risk of hurting others.

Teasing can interfere with deepening a relationship. When I know someone is making fun of me, I have to hold back what I say for fear of giving them a chance to “get” me. I can never be sure that one of my mistakes, weaknesses, or vulnerabilities won’t become laughable material. That certainly reduces spontaneity and keeps our friendship on a superficial level.

What’s behind the jokes? Why do we do it? A reason to tease can be as simple as habit or as complex as seeking power in a situation. A person who can make others laugh is the center of attention, while those who are joked about are at the mercy of the joker.

We make fun of others for a variety of reasons, some conscious and some unconscious. Sometimes we want to make people laugh, be funny, smart, shake things up, and keep a conversation from getting boring. From time to time, we would like to convey a message without the risk of confrontation. We can dig our spouse in front of the company because there is security in the group. “Alice is such a bad cook that even the dog gets sick from the leftovers!”

Many resentments can be hidden in jokes. Virginia Satir, world-renowned author and family therapist, says, “Teasing is often an unrecognized hostility. It is an attempt to avoid the responsibility of being honest. Teasing is often an effort to deny the presence of hostility and, in effect, everyone loses.”

Some people want to keep others from knowing them, from being close, and will use teasing as a smoke screen. The joker keeps the spotlight and no one ever finds out about the problems and realities of his life.

Claude Steiner, a psychologist, says that teasing is brutal to children and a form of psychological abuse. It is stressful enough for a child to be teased and lack the verbal ability to retaliate or be prohibited from doing so.

Teasing, joking, and sarcasm, saying mean things in a funny way, is accepted in our culture. It’s a way of paying attention to each other, but what a hurtful and cruel attempt at humor. We can all learn to be aware of the effects of teasing. We can find more direct and gentle ways to confront each other and more appropriate ways to bring laughter into our lives. We can tell others, “I’m uncomfortable with teasing.”

A poem I found that has an Ogden Nash flavor to it, sums up the whole irritating thing: “People need to be teased like a dog needs to get fleas.”