Sometimes I hear from wives who have read that it is best to stay calm when your husband asks or says he wants a divorce. The reason for this is that your panic can cause you to do or say all the wrong things and make divorce much more likely. This makes sense on the surface. Saying that you should stay calm is easy. But actually doing so can be very difficult, if not impossible. When the thing you fear the most is staring you right in the face, it can be very difficult to control your feelings.

I heard a wife say, “I know I should be calm and I shouldn’t panic, but we are talking about a divorce. This is my life. This is my marriage. We are talking about the heart and not about our heads. How do you Are you supposed to stay calm when the man you love most in the world, and the father of your children, tells you he wants a divorce? I want to stay calm, but I just don’t see how I can.

Believe it or not, I intimately understand this topic. I was anything but calm when my own husband told me that he wanted a separation and then a divorce. And I realize that I advise you to be calm when I myself was the opposite. That being said, my inability to stay calm meant that I panicked. As a result, I acted in such a way that my husband wanted to divorce me much faster. My feelings and advice about staying sensible are a direct result of the mistakes I made that almost cost me my marriage. However, changing course was not easy, especially since I had gotten used to overdoing it. But, through trial, error, and the knowledge that I had to change or lose my husband, I found some ways to calm myself. I will share them with you below.

Keep busy with the things you really enjoy: You will feel your husband’s emptiness more deeply if you inhabit him in a house where he is not present. I know you may feel like you just want to stay home and look at the wedding photos while listening to your song. But, if he does these things, he’s likely to be negatively affected by it and inspired to do something he’ll later regret.

It really is better to stay busy so that you don’t have time to dwell on something whose outcome you don’t yet know. A divorce is not granted overnight. You may not have endless time, but you often have some time. If you spend that time nagging, following, or arguing with your husband, it won’t help your cause much.

But if you spend that time busy and doing the things that allow you to act and respond in a more positive way, it will most likely help your cause. Many wives understand this on an intellectual level, but then when it comes to calming down and backing down, they don’t know where to start.

You start with what usually brings you happiness. Those friends, hobbies, and places you’ve always loved but were too busy and too busy to pay attention to before. Surround yourself with people, places, and things that bring you some kind of comfort or peace. Doing this will accomplish many things for you, one of which may be to improve your interactions with your husband because you will be calmer when you get closer to him.

Don’t feel like every response or next action must be immediate: When you count your marriage by day, it’s understandable that you feel rushed. However, many wives make the mistake of allowing this to make them feel like everything about this situation is so immediate. So if your husband sends you a questionable text or email, you’ll hit reply and trigger an overly emotional or even nasty response before you have a chance to think about it. Always give yourself enough time to make the best decision. Don’t appear so desperate and interested that you can’t even allow a few minutes to pass before you respond.

You actually want to slow down this whole process rather than speed it up. And taking time to think about what you’re going to do or say will often make your message much more appropriate and well-received. Don’t be swayed by time constraints. Take a breath and slow down.

Don’t always assume the worst case: Many wives assume that their husband’s departure from their lives is a done deal. It is not out of the question for people to get back together before the divorce is final. It’s not even that rare for people to remarry after their divorce is final. You never really know what tomorrow brings. Things look bad or even say right now, but the future may pleasantly surprise you.

Often, if you can take a calm, rational, and helpful approach, you’ll find that your husband will follow suit. Sometimes he’ll even pause and wonder what caused your change in attitude. Sometimes this even means that he reaches out to you or tries to spend more time with you to see what’s behind it. They are all very positive things.

I know that being calm in the face of a divorce is something very difficult for anyone to ask for. But if you think about it rationally. What is the alternative? Freak out and do or say things that will only make this situation worse? Make her husband think you’re too emotional, unstable, or not nice to be around so she can’t divorce you fast enough? You don’t want any of these things, of course. And calming down can be a small price to pay for slowing down and eventually improving your situation.