One of the most common problems I hear is having repetitive questions about the case. It is absolutely normal (and quite understandable) to want to collect as much information as possible. However, there comes a point where you get tired of asking and your cheating spouse gets tired of answering. And you can start to wonder at what point you are going to have to stop this cycle. Often, you’d like to stop, but you hate the thought of having pending issues that you’re still not sure about.

A wife might say, “Honestly, I feel like my husband is still hiding some of the details of his affair. I admit that he has told me a lot of things, and some of those things must have taken a lot of courage because they are so hurtful. But I still believe that there are things he doesn’t want me to know. So I find myself asking essentially the same questions but in different ways. My husband finally figured this out because last night he snapped at me and said, “There will come a time, and that time will come very soon.” soon, in which you will simply have to stop with all the questions. We just can’t seem to get through a day without being grilled repeatedly. There is some truth to his words. I have questions every day. But I only keep asking because I know he hasn’t told me everything. At what point do I have to stop?”.

I don’t know of any rules or guidelines about it. And I think you have the right to ask for information. Yes, husbands get very defensive about this and will try to write you off because every time you ask a question, they feel exposed, embarrassed and harassed.

And, your husband could be right if he has already told you everything. I know from experience that after a while, asking the same questions over and over again stops making sense. It’s a frustrating cycle that just isn’t productive. So I recognize that there’s often a point where you’ve been told pretty much everything and you’re still asking the same questions because you still can’t figure out this whole set of circumstances.

But not being able to fully understand it does not mean that you have not obtained the information you requested. Here is an example that might help since it is not about infidelity. Bear with me because I think this is relevant and will help. My son recently abruptly left a sport he loved and has invested a lot of time in. I have repeatedly asked him to explain his reasoning. And, time and time again, he has told me that the commitment was too much, that his grades were suffering, and that it wasn’t fun anymore. These are all perfectly good reasons. He gave me the exact answer that he had asked for. Still, he annoyed me. So I kept at it. Didn’t you like his coach? Didn’t he feel like he wasn’t good enough? Did he have problems with any of his classmates? His answers were always no. And this frustrated us both. And I still don’t fully understand why he quit, and he may never understand. But I’ve decided our relationship isn’t worth my bothering him anymore. He gave me the information. I can’t get into his mind and feel the same feelings from him. So I just need to go ahead and be here for him if he needs me. He seems perfectly satisfied. It is ME who is experiencing the confusion, but I know I need to let it go.

Ask yourself if you are at the same point. Has he told you everything but you still can’t understand why you wouldn’t act the same way? If you can look at this and know that her husband has answered what she’s asked and you’re just churning out the same old stuff with disastrous results, then it’s probably time to seriously de-escalate. Likewise, if this process only makes you feel worse and you’re just ruminating and stirring up bad feelings, ask yourself if it’s worth it.

I understand that you need all the answers. And if you think you don’t have them, then it’s definitely worth a chat. You might try: “I fully understand that it doesn’t do us any good to keep debating the same old topics. But you must understand that I keep asking because, in my heart, I wonder if you’ve told me everything. I suspect something is being held back. Once you have all the information, then I intend to move forward.”

This can work. But if it isn’t and you’re still stuck, you might want to consider a brief counseling just so the counselor can help you determine if you have all the information. Sometimes this is useful in more ways than one. Knowing that you have a set time and place to address unfinished business frees you up so that this no longer has to be your only focus at home.

But I don’t think there’s a magic benchmark as to when you should stop asking questions, although I do think it makes sense to scale back when you’re hearing the same answers over and over again and you’re not learning anything new. I think most of us can feel it when we’re in a frustration cycle.