Shanty towns or squatter communities known as “Hooverville’s” during President Hoover’s tenure as president (or in the past, as my son would say) began to sprout across the United States due to the aftermath of the Great Depression. These heterogeneous “communities” were made up of people who had been evicted from their homes or farms. Labeled vagrants, these individuals were forced to live a degrading existence among grotesque heaps of accumulated rubbish, made up of public waste of food they had to eat or various items of value they could sell. The poor and the predisposed cooked their meager portions of food in cans over open fires, covering themselves with old newspapers while wearing Hoover shoes with holes in the soles. The only landscape was blurred with dust in the summer and mud in the winter as they inhaled the stench of all the rubbish and extremely unsanitary dilapidated latrines. These poor Depression-era bums, however, are no match for today’s modern freeloaders, self-serving, lazy people who calculate their tactics and by no means suffer as much as the displaced victims of the Great Depression.

Yes, we are suffering, and indeed times are changing, but eating banana peels and using newspapers is not the same as eating potato chips from all your family or friends while watching a rerun of Friends on your cable TV. . With the current economic crisis, many people have had to rely on family, friends and relatives to help them through their financial setback. The thing is, however, that many find this life of “luxury” too accommodating, so they remain as permanent guests taking advantage of the hospitality of a loved one. This isn’t something new, it’s just happening more often nowadays thanks to our beautiful crumbling economy, but I, for one, think free charging is wrong and needs to stop. There is a difference between visiting a loved one and taking over their home.

Here it is, an example. Several years ago, my husband and I moved to Florida. Every year we returned to New Jersey to visit family and friends. Well, my husband always invited everyone to come to Florida and stay at our house, so they wouldn’t have to spend money on a hotel, forgetting that we were only renting a small 2-bedroom apartment. Naturally, everyone jumped at the chance, including their drinking buddies, who arrived in a car laden with luggage and booze. He was working the night shift at the post office and needed to sleep during the day. Well, once, it seems our room was offered to his drinking partner and his friend’s wife, while I had to get by crammed into my two young children’s room. These homeless people arrived empty-handed and ate like there was no tomorrow. One week turned into two weeks, which seemed to stretch on. I told my husband to kick them out which he refused saying they were his guests and it would be rude of him. He was furious, working nights and not getting enough sleep. During the day, they would go down to the beach or explore the area, having a great time. The woman did nothing to help me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I called hotels in the area and asked what their prices were, and when the couple returned that afternoon, I told them they had to go, it had been two weeks and I needed my room back. The man said he was paying my husband $20.00 a week for the room, which was ridiculous… Imagine thinking that $20.00 a week would cover the cost of 3 meals a day plus my room for two. No way Jose, he had to be crazy. Well, I must say that after they saw how angry he was, they got the message loud and clear right away calling a nephew who lived in the area. That pissed me off even more, knowing that they had a nephew who lived nearby, and had to be bothered by this pair of rascals. So instead of going to a hotel where they had to pay, they ended up at his nephew’s house. Have a good trip, finally, but that still didn’t stop the flow of guests coming and going and charging at us. This created a lot of hostility between my husband and me. Finally, after 7 years of operating as a drunken bed and breakfast, we moved back to New Jersey. That prevented family and friends from visiting.

The thing is, all the freeloaders and freeloaders acted in the same rude and selfish way. No one understood why I would get irritated, work, sacrifice living space, cook, do all the shopping, and get pushed around for too long. I guess there is a moocher guide out there that everyone uses.

Moocher’s Guide:

Law Number 1: Find a nice, generous and trustworthy friend or relative and arrange a “short” but indefinite visit.

Law Number 2: Convince these brands to become your personal ATM.

Law Number 3: Always manipulate others into not paying their fair share, stiff drunken fellowship with the check, butt wrinkles, sponge cigarettes, meals, etc.

Law Number 4: Never, under any circumstances, clean up after yourself. This establishes a dangerous past.

Law Number 5: Always raid any unattended refrigerator. Don’t leave anything.

Law Number 6: Never be polite. Assume that it is yours by natural law, consume it and destroy it.

Law Number 7: Have fun while the brands work. What are vacations for?

Law number 8: Get lean when homework time comes around.

Frankly, freeloaders are a menace to society. People who have freeloading problems rightly get depressed and angry. To make matters worse, thieves often don’t shower, flush the toilet, wipe the seat when they’re done, or do their own laundry. In fact, what homeless people do is use the phone all night, leaving it off the hook when they’re done. They leave the TV on all night and make a lot of noise while you try to get some sleep to avoid them. If subtle hints and veiled hints don’t work, throw all your belongings outside and change the locks. The following is my own manual, listing thief problems and ways to deal with them.

Miriam’s Handbook:

PROBLEM: A friend or loved one shows up uninvited, looking for sympathy and a place to stay.

SOLUTION: If someone shows up uninvited, you can politely tell them you were just leaving and don’t have time to chat. The strongest weapon a freeloader has is to use guilt to get what he wants from you. Get ready for this. Don’t feel guilty. Always be wary of those who love to tag along but always seem to forget to bring their wallet. Always mention before going anywhere that there is a cost, that if the other person has their wallet with them. Or you can just say that you better go Dutch. If the person then says that he doesn’t have any money, you say, ‘Sorry, I don’t have enough, to pay you too, so we’ll have to skip it.’

PROBLEM: A friend or loved one always wants to visit you but doesn’t invite you to visit them. Always try to swap home visits.

SOLUTION: If someone was at your house this week watching the game and eating all your candy and drinking your beer, then you recommend doing it at their house the following week. If they don’t cooperate, don’t bother with them. If they are taking advantage of you, start controlling your dealings with them or stop altogether. You want to tell them that you are not a money tree nor are you their restaurant, hotel or cleaning service. You have to nip this behavior in the bud, because the longer you wait, the more uptight you’ll get, and the harder it will be to get rid of these people. So it becomes squatter rights. They have all the rights and put you in a squat.

PROBLEM: Your relative wants to stay with you until you “get well.” If they live with you, you have to give them some time to get out of your house.

SOLUTION: One way to prevent thieves from staying in your home is to keep your fridge or cupboards as empty as possible. Hide your supplies somewhere; Give them a list of things to do. If they complain, tell them to buy their own food or leave.

PROBLEM: You feel like a maid with all the mess left behind and get tired of things like your guest leaving dirty sheets, wet towels on the bed or bathroom counter.

SOLUTION: House guests should clean up after themselves. If they are there for a week or so, then they should offer to take the host out to dinner for their trouble. If they plan to return, then tell them that you already have plans for that time and that no one will be home. Try to make your apology sound sincere and convincing as best you can.

PROBLEM: Family members will come to your house and stay as long as they want, to save on hotel expenses. So the longer they stay, the more resentment builds up, eventually damaging family relationships.

SOLUTION: Family members do not have the right to break in because they are family, they must first call or write. If they show up unexpectedly, take them to a hotel or take them to the nearest transportation. Don’t let the bums take over the house; they need to help by cooking, doing their own laundry and putting up some money. They have no right to take advantage of you to save on expenses because somewhere in the family tree you inherited part of their blood or your spouse did.

PROBLEM: Guests who don’t leave when it’s late.

SOLUTION: If you feel that your eyelids are starting to feel heavy or as if you have a severe case of hives, start yawning, scratching and getting up calmly and politely; mention that you had a nice evening, that you should repeat the visit at another more convenient time. If you continue standing, they’ll get up, or so you hope, and then start walking towards the door. If they don’t get the hint, then come and tell them you have to go to work the next day and you’re tired and want to go to bed. My mother dresses next to the broom. She said that when you want the overstaying company to leave, just flip the broom by the door, and you’ll see it works. Yes, of course mom, like in your dream, that’s not going to happen.

PROBLEM: The friend or relative who always takes money from you and never pays you back or considers you their personal taxi service without paying.

SOLUTION: Just say you don’t mind taking them where they’re going, but you don’t have gas in your car or gas money to get there and NEVER lend money to anyone who has scammed you twice.

Follow these simple tips and you’ll soon be free of freeloaders. Good luck!