Have you ever been really sure about something, only to find out that you were wrong?

Did you notice how he operated “as if” he was right? She may have even seen, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled the world in a way that supports her position. And perhaps he felt that he had sound logic to support this position.

So how did the possibility of an opposing opinion work its way through your logic and basically reality as you knew it, to make you change your mind?

Did you fight hard to stay where you were? Did you go through the so-called “denial”? Did you take note of your position and build a wall to keep out any contrary thoughts?

Now the question I have for you is, “Were you keeping them out or were you trapping yourself?”

In sales, a prospect may be undecided in his point of view about a particular product or service. Now, the sales rep may know that the prospect doesn’t have all the facts yet, so he sets out to convey this to the prospect.

One of two things can result. Once the prospect squeezes her point of view or two, he begins to change his perception of her. Now this, of course, depends on the relationship and the sales strategy the sales professional uses to get into the prospect’s “thought lock” and free them from that “single” perspective.

Listen to the conversations around you, maybe even the words coming out of your own mouth, are you building your own thought block or “thought trap”?

If so, how do you get out? So (if you want to!) how do you get the others out?

RECOGNIZE THE TRAPS!

Let’s start by looking at the traps of the intellectual mind, the one that weaves those wonderful networks of logic that leave us well and keep us quite stuck.

First Trap: Being Right

I often say to the couples I work with, “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?” Surprisingly, I see a lot of inconsistent answers. It’s like they know they should say “be happy” and (that’s why they do it), but in fact, they really mean “be right”.

Now, the really interesting thing is that the intellect wants to be right, regardless of whether you are right or not. Confused?

So let’s make an important distinction.

You are not your intellect! You, the being (soul) are much, much more! The limitations of the intellect are not your limitations as long as you can separate your “I” (soul) from the intellect. Recognizing these pitfalls and how to avoid them will help in that separation process.

Second trap: validation

The intellect seeks constant validation. He’s constantly saying recognize me, notice me, “Hey! I’m here!” Whether it is authority or peer validation, this need for validation becomes a crucial pitfall to avoid.

Children learn this early on. A boy comes home with his report card in hand and a look of eager anticipation, waiting for those few key words, “Oh, honey, you did great!” Yes! Children can now feel worthy. Now imagine what happens when this fester over a few decades. Very soon we are all looking for validation in all directions.

Third trap: sharing

I just have to tell you about this one. Oh you won’t believe it. The intellect likes to share things. By sharing, you can feel more validated and, of course, right.

Have you ever felt like shit and wanted others to know that you felt that way? Did you expect them to sympathize with your story and tell you why you are right in feeling this way? Waiting for them to validate their position?

If so, then you fell into another trap to feed the intellect while starving your real self.

Trap Four: Security

As the intellect spins its logic, forming a mental block, it also creates a sense of security. If you build a well-thought-out logic that sounds reasonable, you’ll be safe from any challenge.

So what happens when a contrary idea knocks on the door? The internal security procedure of the intellect is activated. You may have seen the behaviors that go along with such an internal process if you’ve ever challenged someone’s “sacred cow.”

A woman called me a few weeks ago and wanted me to see her son because he was very messy. She asked me if she could hypnotize him so that he would always clean himself. I told him that it was certainly possible; however, he wanted to know a few things first.

So I asked her what happens to her when she sees that he hasn’t cleaned up his mess. She responded with great tension in her voice, “Well, that makes my blood boil!” So I asked if she always made his blood boil. She stuttered: “Yes!”

I then asked him what he thought about his response to his mess. I asked him what kind of effects he thinks this might have on his own body, on his health. I went on to say, what if she could see a messy room and her blood didn’t boil. Talk about running with all her might into a sacred cow. (Moove!)

The security alerts of his intellect activated immediately. She got very defensive and started ranting about how she was right, and no one could see all that she was going through day after day, raising three children while working, and if her blood didn’t boil, she would become just as lazy. like his son, and the whole house would be a mess.

She then ended the call by saying that she was perfectly fine and it was her son who had the problem.

Now, how many of you identified with his story, sympathized with his position? Were you sucked into the trap? Did you allow his logical reply to validate your own position?

Go back and read it again. What she did? How did she catch herself? Her intellect screamed bloody murder the moment we ran into her cleansing sacred cow.

He began by building a logical argument as to why she was right and he (or me, to challenge her) was wrong. She used that along with everyone else’s lack of validation and acknowledgment to validate her logic. And finally, she felt compelled to share it with me in order to externalize the trap and manifest it in reality.

By sharing, logic is no longer just a construct in your mind. Adding voice and breath begins to give it a life of its own. This is where the pointing begins. And always remember that there is one finger pointing out, there are three fingers pointing towards the person pointing.

get out of the trap

Now that you know what to look for, you can start using the tools below to stay out of it and help others stay out of those thought traps. Remember that this takes practice. The hardest step is acknowledging it. The moment you recognize it, in a sense you are already dating. But then it’s about breaking free from the logic that the intellect has spun around the trap.

Even then, you may find it easier to spot other people’s cheating faster than your own. And the reason for this is that your own logic is more seductive to you than to others. So while they may be seduced by their logic, you can clearly see through it. And it certainly works the other way around too. So go slow with this at first. You don’t want to find yourself at the end of the week with no friends because you defied all their sacred cows without keeping a good relationship.

Now the easiest way is to first recognize the trap and then start questioning it.

Who, What, Where, When and How.

Avoid “Why” because you will only get justifications, which will only help build the thought block stronger.

For example, when working on your own thought trap, you might start like this:

Who says you’re right? How do you know? According to what criteria? When I’m wrong? When was the last time? Where was it? What was happening then? Who did I want validation from then? How did I get it then? What did I do as a result of it? What other options were available to me then? What do you think now? How would things be different if I responded differently?

If you’re familiar with the metamodel, can you use it to guide you to different ways of looking at the trap? And as you begin to find the edges, the limits of confinement, you can find the door out of the trap.

Another tool is to use your vertical and lateral thinking strategies to jump yourself or others out of the trap. In some cases, these strategies won’t totally get you out of the trap, but they will begin to push the boundaries, giving you a chance to find your way out. Let’s use the lady who called me as an example.

(Standing upright in her position) I could have said, “Well, if you can’t keep a clean house without your blood boiling, then maybe you should hire a 24-hour maid.”

Vertical thinking takes you up and down the same line of thought, regardless of whether you’re talking at levels of abstraction or levels of specificity; the subject does not change.

(Sidely approaching her position) Or she could have said, “A friend of mine had a problem with a trashed house, so she went out and got an apartment. No more trashed houses.”

Lateral thinking starts in one place and ends in a completely different place. A conversation can start at A and end at D, with transitions B and C explicitly declared or simply processed internally by one or both parties.

As you begin to uncover your own pitfalls, whether they appear as beliefs, values, or ideals, and regardless of how many layers of logic are piled on top, you now know how to dig your way out. The more you do this, the more flexibility you create within your own system. You’ll find that you don’t fall into your own thought traps or anyone else’s.

Remember to be easy on yourself and enjoy the process!