Ah… the magic of the holidays. We’ve all grown up with the comfort and mystery of our Christmas traditions: oranges in our stockings, presents under the tree, the lighting of the menorah, and more. Our vacation memories are filled with mom’s home cooking, dad’s stories, and the love and laughter of friends and family. As adults, we try to recreate those memories for our children, to impart to them the same sense of mystery and wonder of our youth. But how do we do that in an increasingly material world?

Shopping for our children today can be quite an inconvenient and expensive experience. Pick up any Saturday paper in November and December and you’ll find it packed with dozens of flyers promising the best deal on all the must-haves: an iPod, a RoboRaptor, or V-Smile educational toys. Chances are your child’s wish list includes one or two high-end gadgets and toys. With a list of 30 items, it’s no wonder you feel stuck, caught between buying expensive gifts and the feelings and worries you have about the messages you may be sending your kids by buying them.

You may be wondering how to handle conflict: “I want my son to have what he wants, and at the same time, I want my son to have limits on his expectations.”

We’ll see:

Sean is 9 years old and lives with his mom and dad and his 2-year-old sister. His family went to see Santa last weekend and, as expected, Sean brought his list for Santa. On his list, to his parents’ surprise, was an iPod and a laptop! Both parents were puzzled and confused by their son’s high expectations.

On the way to Santa’s Village, they got into an argument about why he thought he wanted these items. Unsurprisingly, Sean said, “All my friends have them and they’re really cool!!!” His parents looked at each other and it was clear to them that not only could they not afford these two items, but they were also not sure why a nine-year-old would need such things.

Mom and Dad also knew that several of Sean’s classmates have or will receive these types of items as holiday gifts.

Later that night, after the kids had gone to bed, Mom and Dad talked about their concerns and how to proceed: Shall we buy those items for him? Do we tell him no and make him feel excluded from his social network? Do we buy one and not the other?

All very good questions, but what is the correct answer? There is no truly correct answer. The answer lies within your parents’ belief system and the messages they want their children to receive at times like these.

The bottom line: If you believe that these types of gifts set unrealistic expectations and don’t really embrace the lessons of the holiday season or the financial goals you have for your family won’t allow for these types of purchases, then stick with your beliefs. Don’t give in to party tricks. Because the messages, both verbal and non-verbal, are loud and clear to your children by your gift choices.
Many parents are not sure how to talk to their child about the reality of these situations and why they are not buying what the child has ordered. Parents must be honest and open about their motivations and decisions.

This holiday season; keep in mind the following tips:

Self-awareness: Be clear about your motivations for buying.

Know: Messages that come from your gift giving.

Communicate: To your child the reasons and messages discovered above, and allow them to share their feelings.

Resolves: For the children their confusion and disappointment that may arise from your decisions.

Redirect: your child as to the origins of the season and allow them to find ways to give back and realign their expectations.